I feel like writing publicly on this early Sunday morning when all the recent endings and starts have reached a choking ache in my throat. Despite the fact that I am healthy once again after two days of difficult aches and pains all over my body, my heart feels flooded with something. Many doors have been closed in my face, and it seems like I am standing in the middle of all those doors spinning and spinning around until today I couldn't spin no more and decided to write to the world, for the reason that maybe someone will understand. This feeling to share to open up is the only cure for such a situation, I mean there is not one solution. Nostalgia is a complicated one word to define such a broad topic, which involves so many dreams, whirlpools, aches and wonders. I feel like everything around me like the music in the radio, the smells from the window, the way I look in the mirror, the Television, Facebook, is signaling me to messily jump from the one chronology of my life to the other. A couple months ago I used to have this dream of happiness and it was a simple dream of sitting in a car with an open window, feeling secure in the sun, driving somewhere sporadically blasting oldies and just feeling superior to the mystical feelings that run in my mind that choke me at most, and sometimes bring ease and a feeling of satisfaction.
I don't know what to think for now, it seems I need to make many difficult decisions, yet the feeling of spinning and not walking in a straight line have led me astray. Now after I feel, I shall slowly pack my stuff, all my metaphoric stuff that pull me down, which I need to organize carefully so I can even understand what I have inside my bag. What now? the only solution that comes to my mind is, breath, take it easy, slowly, but how can I listen to it when I feel overwhelmed by the phases, by the air, by the sky, by the time. Why do I feel so old today, but at the same time ready to fly. Ready to fly somewhere new and full of wonder, to get rid of the order of my life to feel reborn. I want the doors to open , I want to feel in sync with everything that goes on around me, to know, and to trust that the process of life is as is. This feeling of longing does inspire me but scares me as much.
I miss my friends who are all not closed to me, my soul sisters and brothers which I have acquired throughout the years, which vividly remain in the nostalgic spinning.
I wish myself not such a hard fall, but quite a gentle bruise that will leave a strong callus and will only raise me stronger and easily up to something meaningful and secure.
love you from Mae.
(Not my painting, but I love its feeling)